A few weeks back I was having a discussion with a dear friend. We were talking about this thing I have been trying to manifest for many, many months now. A particular situation that has taken a lot of time, effort and a roller coaster ride of emotions and once again I was right up against that place where it was on the verge of happening. And my friend said, "Even if it doesn't happen right now, in the way that you want it, you can still believe that something wonderful is about to happen."
This concept is not new to me. In fact I have even taught on this exact idea. However in that moment when she said those words, I felt like my entire being came to a complete halt. In that moment I was smacked in the face by the reality that I have a strong and solid core belief that I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall. On a deep level, it felt completely false to believe that something wonderful will happen, because my belief is that life rips the rug out from under me.
On an intellectual level I completely agree with the idea and philosophy of believing something wonderful will happen, of focusing the mind on positive results, and of being open to allowing things to unfold in divine order. All of this I can completely grasp on an intellectual level and yet in my heart of hearts I suddenly saw the ugly truth that my spirit is always waiting for the other shoe to fall. The reality of this brought tears to my eyes because I could see clearly, in that moment, the trail of heartache, betrayal and dissapointment that contributed to this strong belief. But some of those tears were also of gratitude because I was now able to consider, for the first time, that this belief is NOT something solid, true, and unchanging, but I could see that I actually have the power to release this belief. And this is the challenge of facing our mistaken beliefs. These beliefs are so strong that they feel like reality. When we have these glimpses of truth it is such a blessing because we are starting to recognize that there is another option. These beliefs, no matter how strong, can always be shed as we find, learn and grow into beliefs that better serve our higher purpose.
So the thing I wanted didn't happen. All of the work, effort, hopes and dreams did not manifest in the result for which I was hoping. This was the third time that I got right up to the door but was denied entry. That's how it felt, like a long, arduous quest that once again did not meet with success. The thing I wanted more than anything else in life was again denied, for the third time. It is the feeling of running in place - so much effort but getting nowhere. And I cried,... for days. Each morning I would wake and the grief hit me hard. I struggled to function, but I managed. As the days went by I would recall the words of my friend saying, "Even if it doesn't happen this time, you can still believe that something wonderful will happen". Admittedly this didn't feel possible the first few days, but I knew that it IS possible to change core beliefs, so I continued to reflect on her words. However, when I looked back over my past all I could see was the evidence against the idea that something wonderful will happen. All I saw was the times the rug was ripped out from under me and all the times that the other shoe not only fell, but smacked me right in the face and punched me in the heart. That is all I could see in my past. But I didn't reject my friend's words. I continued to sit with them because I know that change takes time. Today, I decided to look back and make a list of all the wonderful things that have happened in life.... and guess what?, I was able to create a really beautiful list, an amazing list, of things that seemed impossible at one point but came to fruition over time. When I looked honestly, the list of wonderful things FAR out numbered the times the rug got pulled out from under me.
So, where to go from here? I plan to keep focusing on all the good things in life, even as I continue to pursue my most heartfelt dreams. I will practice trusting in the Universe and believe that things unfold in perfect timing. I will continue to shift my way of thinking so that I can shed the beliefs that keep me stuck and prevent forward motion.
And I start to feel like something wonderful is happening right now ❤